Saturday, January 28, 2012
Good thing.....
....I'm mostly just hanging out at home these days, because it seems even my maternity tops are no longer big enough to keep this belly covered!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Ready or not....
Just as my stomach is changing by the hour, so are my feelings of readiness on becoming a new mother. Except my stomach is always expanding in the same direction, but my feelings are expanding and contracting here, there and everywhere.
On the whole, I'm feeling much more settled, calm and ready in the past week. I've finally tied up a lot of loose ends at work so I feel like I can actually step away for a little bit. The big things are physically set for the arrival of the baby - bed is in place, clothes and diapers are washed and folded, his bags are packed (even if ours are not ready yet). I've read and reflected a lot about the physical and emotional process of birth, both the scientific and the huge variety of personal stories women have experienced. Similarly, I've got a general idea of what needs to be done to take care of newborn both physically and emotionally. And yet of course, I fully recognize that with giving birth and caring for a newborn, there's only so much you can prepare ahead of time - the rest will be taken care of by instinct and by handling situations as they come up, because there's no way to prepare for every possible possibility....and of course in understanding that, the settled, calm and ready feelings are that much deeper. I've done what can be done and now it's time to let it be.
I had a similar experience as a student teacher on the brink of graduation, questioning whether I felt ready or not to teach my own class. I dug up my reflective journal this morning, and found that most of the sentiments I documented at that transitional moment in my life apply all over again.
"I've been really thinking about what it means to be ready to be a teacher in your own classroom. In so many ways I feel ready to go. I feel like I have a much better understanding of my philosophy of classroom management which was the last thing I was really worried about - not that I have everything polished with my classroom management but knowing my philosophy and what I feel good about helps! So in general, I feel good about the thought of having my own classroom. But then I'll start reading a book - about guided reading or classroom management - and feel like I knew nothing before I started reading that book and I was never really ready. So here's my conclusion - I'll never be 100% ready - there will never be a point when I know everything I will need to know to be a teacher. My cooperating teacher is still taking classes and improving her teaching. So that makes me feel pretty much ready again!
Then I was thinking about the students I will have and how lucky the students at the end of my career will be because I will know so much more about teaching by then and I worry about the first few groups I will have because they'll be struggling right along with me in the beginning. But actually, they'll be learning with me - and even though their experience will be very different than children later in my career, each experience will be good in a different way. These thoughts seem pretty obvious and in a way I've always had those thoughts, but I've become very conscious of them in the last weeks."
And so I feel about stepping into motherhood. Ready and unready all at once. But that's really what life is about then, isn't it? There's only so much you can do to prepare, and then the rest happens while living it.
After ten years of teaching, I still feel much the same way as I did on the day I wrote this journal entry. I am still absolutely learning as I go. Some days are brilliant, lessons are great and I can clearly see the progress I've made in my own teaching. Other days, it feels like I'm back at square one, could spend a hundred more years in studies and still not get it right. Like all learning in school and in life, it's a journey. One of the courses I am now taking has introduced the idea of a "fixed" mindset versus a "growth" mindset. As long as we recognize that it is all about growth (and the never actually getting there!) and are always challenging ourselves to take the next steps forward, we are moving in the right direction.
I appreciated re-reading my university supervisor's response to this particular journal entry: "In your comments about being 'ready' for teaching, and then feeling unsure, I sensed some nerves about how your life is soon going to change, along with some well-deserved confidence about your successes thus far. I agree with you; you're never fully ready, and -- if you can remember that -- in a strange way you're always ready. I'm not sure where you're going to end up as a teacher. But as your own confidence rises and dips, you might as well hear some praise: You think like a seasoned educator. Your insights about teaching and your healthy connection to your inner self are quite remarkable. They are also assets that will make your teaching immeasurably valuable to the lives of young children - whoever they end up being.
Over the course of the semester, I have been greatly impressed with your talent and commitment to teaching. Perhaps most of all, however, I have been impressed by your demonstrated convictions. You believe in the children you teach. You believe that they have something to teach you. I know I send a lot of praise your way, but I hope you don't get too used to it. It's not for you. It's for the children you will teach. Teaching is hard work, and those kids need someone like you in their corner. So remember all this praise you received and deserved, and climb over whatever obstacles you will face."
I hope the same will translate from teaching into parenting. As I make this transition into parenting, I know it will be hard and heart-breaking and ultimately the most rewarding work I will ever do. I'm looking forward to growing in parenting much as I have and will continue to do in teaching. Much as I was excited to find out who my first "clients" in teaching would be, I can't wait to meet this little boy who has signed up for the journey of a lifetime with us. We will never be 100% ready, we will never be perfect or "finished" with our learning and growing together. And that's exactly as it should be.
Ready or not.... :)
On the whole, I'm feeling much more settled, calm and ready in the past week. I've finally tied up a lot of loose ends at work so I feel like I can actually step away for a little bit. The big things are physically set for the arrival of the baby - bed is in place, clothes and diapers are washed and folded, his bags are packed (even if ours are not ready yet). I've read and reflected a lot about the physical and emotional process of birth, both the scientific and the huge variety of personal stories women have experienced. Similarly, I've got a general idea of what needs to be done to take care of newborn both physically and emotionally. And yet of course, I fully recognize that with giving birth and caring for a newborn, there's only so much you can prepare ahead of time - the rest will be taken care of by instinct and by handling situations as they come up, because there's no way to prepare for every possible possibility....and of course in understanding that, the settled, calm and ready feelings are that much deeper. I've done what can be done and now it's time to let it be.
I had a similar experience as a student teacher on the brink of graduation, questioning whether I felt ready or not to teach my own class. I dug up my reflective journal this morning, and found that most of the sentiments I documented at that transitional moment in my life apply all over again.
"I've been really thinking about what it means to be ready to be a teacher in your own classroom. In so many ways I feel ready to go. I feel like I have a much better understanding of my philosophy of classroom management which was the last thing I was really worried about - not that I have everything polished with my classroom management but knowing my philosophy and what I feel good about helps! So in general, I feel good about the thought of having my own classroom. But then I'll start reading a book - about guided reading or classroom management - and feel like I knew nothing before I started reading that book and I was never really ready. So here's my conclusion - I'll never be 100% ready - there will never be a point when I know everything I will need to know to be a teacher. My cooperating teacher is still taking classes and improving her teaching. So that makes me feel pretty much ready again!
Then I was thinking about the students I will have and how lucky the students at the end of my career will be because I will know so much more about teaching by then and I worry about the first few groups I will have because they'll be struggling right along with me in the beginning. But actually, they'll be learning with me - and even though their experience will be very different than children later in my career, each experience will be good in a different way. These thoughts seem pretty obvious and in a way I've always had those thoughts, but I've become very conscious of them in the last weeks."
And so I feel about stepping into motherhood. Ready and unready all at once. But that's really what life is about then, isn't it? There's only so much you can do to prepare, and then the rest happens while living it.
After ten years of teaching, I still feel much the same way as I did on the day I wrote this journal entry. I am still absolutely learning as I go. Some days are brilliant, lessons are great and I can clearly see the progress I've made in my own teaching. Other days, it feels like I'm back at square one, could spend a hundred more years in studies and still not get it right. Like all learning in school and in life, it's a journey. One of the courses I am now taking has introduced the idea of a "fixed" mindset versus a "growth" mindset. As long as we recognize that it is all about growth (and the never actually getting there!) and are always challenging ourselves to take the next steps forward, we are moving in the right direction.
I appreciated re-reading my university supervisor's response to this particular journal entry: "In your comments about being 'ready' for teaching, and then feeling unsure, I sensed some nerves about how your life is soon going to change, along with some well-deserved confidence about your successes thus far. I agree with you; you're never fully ready, and -- if you can remember that -- in a strange way you're always ready. I'm not sure where you're going to end up as a teacher. But as your own confidence rises and dips, you might as well hear some praise: You think like a seasoned educator. Your insights about teaching and your healthy connection to your inner self are quite remarkable. They are also assets that will make your teaching immeasurably valuable to the lives of young children - whoever they end up being.
Over the course of the semester, I have been greatly impressed with your talent and commitment to teaching. Perhaps most of all, however, I have been impressed by your demonstrated convictions. You believe in the children you teach. You believe that they have something to teach you. I know I send a lot of praise your way, but I hope you don't get too used to it. It's not for you. It's for the children you will teach. Teaching is hard work, and those kids need someone like you in their corner. So remember all this praise you received and deserved, and climb over whatever obstacles you will face."
I hope the same will translate from teaching into parenting. As I make this transition into parenting, I know it will be hard and heart-breaking and ultimately the most rewarding work I will ever do. I'm looking forward to growing in parenting much as I have and will continue to do in teaching. Much as I was excited to find out who my first "clients" in teaching would be, I can't wait to meet this little boy who has signed up for the journey of a lifetime with us. We will never be 100% ready, we will never be perfect or "finished" with our learning and growing together. And that's exactly as it should be.
Ready or not.... :)
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Growing by the hour....
At our last visit, the midwife said, "From here on out, you will be growing not by days, but by hours." How true! One to five weeks of growth left, and I just can't imagine how that is physically possible.... Technically, he could decide to arrive today because from here on out he is considered full-term. We still have two classes left for parents-to-be, finishing next Monday, so we asked him to at least wait that long so that we'll have a better idea of what we are doing. ;)
We are beyond excited, but doing our best to be patient. And we are not the only ones who are excited - a couple of weeks ago we visited friends and were gifted this artwork of our family. :) Children are so perceptive (whether they know it or not!). KB's favorite element of the drawing is that he is red, I am blue and the little boy is exactly half red and half blue. Brilliant!
We are beyond excited, but doing our best to be patient. And we are not the only ones who are excited - a couple of weeks ago we visited friends and were gifted this artwork of our family. :) Children are so perceptive (whether they know it or not!). KB's favorite element of the drawing is that he is red, I am blue and the little boy is exactly half red and half blue. Brilliant!
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Love in every stitch
This is the story of three blankets filled with a ridiculous amount of love, patiently awaiting the arrival a little boy.
The first blanket was a project started by his mom nearly two years ago. It was a project specifically designed to pour all the love for this little person that had yet to be created into one place. The project came along quickly at first, then was on hold for a pretty long time as she was grumpy that things were not happening on her timeline, and finally got finished at Christmas time this year in a whirlwind of energy as his arrival grew closer (and she has to admit, his timing is perfect, even if she wasn't patient enough to see that for a while).
This will be his outside blanket to keep him snuggly in the stroller or carseat - it's two layers of fleece so it should do the trick even in a Latvian winter (which finally arrived in the form of a white blanket of snow today in Mezaparks).
Here is a close-up of the stitching, a Latvian sun cross-stitch pattern designed by the little boy's great-grandmother. A mother's welcome-to-the-world present for the little boy...
The second blanket is a project made by two people - the little boy's grandmother and great-grandfather. It's a nice thick quilt with sunflowers in the material (my favorites). It will keep the little boy cozy as he explores his world, learns to roll over, sit up, go for some toys at the edge of the quilt and begin crawling...
If you look carefully at the next photo, you'll see there are tan bits of yarn that have been tied up, holding together the layers of the quilt. These were carefully tied together by the little boy's great-grandfather who is 97 years old and spends some of his time in the nursing home helping his daughter (the boy's grandmother) work on craft projects. What a moment that will be when the little boy learns to use his fingers to start untying all the little knots his great-grandfather so carefully tied... :)
The third quilt involves the most stitches and love from the most people. It was part of a round-robin quilt project completed by six women in the little boy's family. That means each woman added the next section of the quilt (not planned ahead of time - you get what the others have worked on and let your creativity flow to design the next bit) until the quilt was complete. Since the boy's mom is not a quilter and lives halfway around the world from the other women, it was a real honor to be included in this project. Her role was to dye some linen fabric from Latvia for each quilt and to sew a little cross-stitch design for each quilt (from an archive of Latvian designs created by the little boy's great-grandmother). In any case, the amount of love, creativity and family tradition in this blanket is incredible.
The little boy's parents are convinced he was waiting for the arrival of this quilt in Latvia before officially signing up for his journey here on earth. His aunt hand-delivered the blanket last spring and just a couple of short weeks later, as a true surprise, here he was. This blanket will hang in his room (our room) on the wall, reminding him and all of us that he is a ray of sunshine in this house. The photo does not do this blanket justice, it is warm and beautiful and somehow truly radiates the love from every stitch.
A close-up of the Latvian sun cross-stitch design in the center.
All of these blankets contain an element of the sun theme - warmth, energy, brightness and love. Such a fitting way to welcome a little boy to the world.
The first blanket was a project started by his mom nearly two years ago. It was a project specifically designed to pour all the love for this little person that had yet to be created into one place. The project came along quickly at first, then was on hold for a pretty long time as she was grumpy that things were not happening on her timeline, and finally got finished at Christmas time this year in a whirlwind of energy as his arrival grew closer (and she has to admit, his timing is perfect, even if she wasn't patient enough to see that for a while).
This will be his outside blanket to keep him snuggly in the stroller or carseat - it's two layers of fleece so it should do the trick even in a Latvian winter (which finally arrived in the form of a white blanket of snow today in Mezaparks).
Here is a close-up of the stitching, a Latvian sun cross-stitch pattern designed by the little boy's great-grandmother. A mother's welcome-to-the-world present for the little boy...
The second blanket is a project made by two people - the little boy's grandmother and great-grandfather. It's a nice thick quilt with sunflowers in the material (my favorites). It will keep the little boy cozy as he explores his world, learns to roll over, sit up, go for some toys at the edge of the quilt and begin crawling...
If you look carefully at the next photo, you'll see there are tan bits of yarn that have been tied up, holding together the layers of the quilt. These were carefully tied together by the little boy's great-grandfather who is 97 years old and spends some of his time in the nursing home helping his daughter (the boy's grandmother) work on craft projects. What a moment that will be when the little boy learns to use his fingers to start untying all the little knots his great-grandfather so carefully tied... :)
The third quilt involves the most stitches and love from the most people. It was part of a round-robin quilt project completed by six women in the little boy's family. That means each woman added the next section of the quilt (not planned ahead of time - you get what the others have worked on and let your creativity flow to design the next bit) until the quilt was complete. Since the boy's mom is not a quilter and lives halfway around the world from the other women, it was a real honor to be included in this project. Her role was to dye some linen fabric from Latvia for each quilt and to sew a little cross-stitch design for each quilt (from an archive of Latvian designs created by the little boy's great-grandmother). In any case, the amount of love, creativity and family tradition in this blanket is incredible.
The little boy's parents are convinced he was waiting for the arrival of this quilt in Latvia before officially signing up for his journey here on earth. His aunt hand-delivered the blanket last spring and just a couple of short weeks later, as a true surprise, here he was. This blanket will hang in his room (our room) on the wall, reminding him and all of us that he is a ray of sunshine in this house. The photo does not do this blanket justice, it is warm and beautiful and somehow truly radiates the love from every stitch.
A close-up of the Latvian sun cross-stitch design in the center.
All of these blankets contain an element of the sun theme - warmth, energy, brightness and love. Such a fitting way to welcome a little boy to the world.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Dreams and "Difficultness"
I can't remember now if I've written about it on the blog before, but in the last years I've realized that my dreams serve a definite purpose quite often in that they allow me to experience things that I feel are missing in "real" life. Often this has included me being on the beach and truly experiencing a few hours of real sunlight in the dead of winter or spending quality time with people I am missing. I can still vividly remember a dream in which I sat and ate a pint of Ben and Jerry's and could distinctly taste every lovely bite of it. I wake up in the mornings feeling satisfied after such dreams.
In the past few weeks, I've had nearly nightly dreams about our baby being here. The first ones had some elements of anxiety to them - for nights in a row I dreamt that all of a sudden I looked down, wasn't pregnant anymore (clearly had somehow given birth but hadn't actually been present for it) and realized I had a baby to feed and care for. Now that I seem to have gotten that out of my system, the anxiety element (for now) is gone. Or it appears in silly ways - the other night I dreamt that his head came out deformed after the birth as sometimes happens but it was shaped like a butternut squash (which has definitely been a favorite food in the last months and that day I had happened to find a butternut squash in an eco store which I was so excitedly planning to eat the next day), but in the dream we were just looking back on the pictures of the butternut head because he was already a bit bigger with a nice round head and I was snuggling him and all was good.
The dreams have now clearly taken on the purpose of just giving me that which my mind seems to need, but can't have yet. Nearly nightly, I dream of this little guy being here with us, we are snuggling him, talking to him, taking care of him and generally being good parents. It is lovely to be able to feel it, experience it and prepare for it. This is the good motivation that will help me do what needs to be done in order for him to be born in a few short weeks - in contrast to what we could call the rising "difficultness" which will also serve it's role in motivating.
Pregnancy in Latvian is called grutnieciba, literally translated as "difficultness". At my last visit with the midwife, she warned me that these are the weeks that they talk about when they mean "difficultness" (though I could also argue that the first weeks of feeling hungover 24 hours a day and not being able to each much of anything because every last smell was huge and disgusting were no walk in the park). In any case, I appreciate her way of thinking - this is how nature helps to prepare us for giving birth. Pregnancy will get increasingly more uncomfortable and difficult with everyday to give me true motivation in order for the baby to be born. So now, when I wake up with my hands swollen and barely able to move my fingers, or am dealing with heartburn and ridiculously frequent bathroom visits at night, or just have to move at turtle-speed slowly but surely to get anything done so I don't topple over, I smile, thank nature for doing its bit to help get me ready, and file the moment away in my memory (or ask KB to remind me when I'll need it) to use as motivation when the time comes.
And the dreams...I appreciate those even more because they are a friendly kind of motivation. Every night he looks a little bit different - last night he had a very thick black head of hair, sometimes he is a bald Buddha baby, always with very wise and sweet button eyes looking out to take in the world. It will be interesting to see which of those babies is actually ours. Hopefully not the butternut squash.... ;)
In the past few weeks, I've had nearly nightly dreams about our baby being here. The first ones had some elements of anxiety to them - for nights in a row I dreamt that all of a sudden I looked down, wasn't pregnant anymore (clearly had somehow given birth but hadn't actually been present for it) and realized I had a baby to feed and care for. Now that I seem to have gotten that out of my system, the anxiety element (for now) is gone. Or it appears in silly ways - the other night I dreamt that his head came out deformed after the birth as sometimes happens but it was shaped like a butternut squash (which has definitely been a favorite food in the last months and that day I had happened to find a butternut squash in an eco store which I was so excitedly planning to eat the next day), but in the dream we were just looking back on the pictures of the butternut head because he was already a bit bigger with a nice round head and I was snuggling him and all was good.
The dreams have now clearly taken on the purpose of just giving me that which my mind seems to need, but can't have yet. Nearly nightly, I dream of this little guy being here with us, we are snuggling him, talking to him, taking care of him and generally being good parents. It is lovely to be able to feel it, experience it and prepare for it. This is the good motivation that will help me do what needs to be done in order for him to be born in a few short weeks - in contrast to what we could call the rising "difficultness" which will also serve it's role in motivating.
Pregnancy in Latvian is called grutnieciba, literally translated as "difficultness". At my last visit with the midwife, she warned me that these are the weeks that they talk about when they mean "difficultness" (though I could also argue that the first weeks of feeling hungover 24 hours a day and not being able to each much of anything because every last smell was huge and disgusting were no walk in the park). In any case, I appreciate her way of thinking - this is how nature helps to prepare us for giving birth. Pregnancy will get increasingly more uncomfortable and difficult with everyday to give me true motivation in order for the baby to be born. So now, when I wake up with my hands swollen and barely able to move my fingers, or am dealing with heartburn and ridiculously frequent bathroom visits at night, or just have to move at turtle-speed slowly but surely to get anything done so I don't topple over, I smile, thank nature for doing its bit to help get me ready, and file the moment away in my memory (or ask KB to remind me when I'll need it) to use as motivation when the time comes.
And the dreams...I appreciate those even more because they are a friendly kind of motivation. Every night he looks a little bit different - last night he had a very thick black head of hair, sometimes he is a bald Buddha baby, always with very wise and sweet button eyes looking out to take in the world. It will be interesting to see which of those babies is actually ours. Hopefully not the butternut squash.... ;)
Sunday, January 1, 2012
Work that comes from the heart
Last night on welcoming in the New Year, KB and I reflected a fair bit on the last year, which was definitely an uphill year for us in so many ways. This year he has experienced what it means to have your work/job come from the heart. It is a night and day difference to get up each morning when you are doing what you love and loving what you do.
I have always felt lucky that I had figured out what I loved so early in life and have been able to do it - even if I had to step away from it for a while to realize that teaching is absolutely in my heart.
Last night, I received a New Year's Eve email from the parent of a child who was in our 3x3 family camp morning group this summer. (KB and I co-taught the 3-6 year olds - 28 of them! - for one week in July, which was such a wonderful experience for us to do together.) The email included pictures of flowers that we had planted together and a big thanks again from the family and from the little boy in particular, who insisted upon taking pictures to send us. The mom thanked us again for the work we did as teachers, which inspires children and help them grow - seen both literally and figuratively through the growth of the flowers we planted together.
One of the infinite reasons I love the work I do....and it's incredible to receive such reminders, particularly when it's a connection with a child that was created within just a short seven days, which left a lasting footprint.
Hoping that 2012 finds you all doing what you love and loving what you do. :)
I have always felt lucky that I had figured out what I loved so early in life and have been able to do it - even if I had to step away from it for a while to realize that teaching is absolutely in my heart.
Last night, I received a New Year's Eve email from the parent of a child who was in our 3x3 family camp morning group this summer. (KB and I co-taught the 3-6 year olds - 28 of them! - for one week in July, which was such a wonderful experience for us to do together.) The email included pictures of flowers that we had planted together and a big thanks again from the family and from the little boy in particular, who insisted upon taking pictures to send us. The mom thanked us again for the work we did as teachers, which inspires children and help them grow - seen both literally and figuratively through the growth of the flowers we planted together.
One of the infinite reasons I love the work I do....and it's incredible to receive such reminders, particularly when it's a connection with a child that was created within just a short seven days, which left a lasting footprint.
Hoping that 2012 finds you all doing what you love and loving what you do. :)
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Priecigus Svetkus!
Ber, Laimite, sudrabinu
Ziemassvetku vakara,
Lai mirdzeja visas takas
Jaunaja gadina!
All the very best wishes to our family and friends in 2012. May the new year bring showers of sunshine and love, just enough rain to help us grow, and above all plenty of those magical moments of stopping to take it all, leaving you with nothing but a smile!
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