Ready or not....

Just as my stomach is changing by the hour, so are my feelings of readiness on becoming a new mother. Except my stomach is always expanding in the same direction, but my feelings are expanding and contracting here, there and everywhere.

On the whole, I'm feeling much more settled, calm and ready in the past week. I've finally tied up a lot of loose ends at work so I feel like I can actually step away for a little bit. The big things are physically set for the arrival of the baby - bed is in place, clothes and diapers are washed and folded, his bags are packed (even if ours are not ready yet). I've read and reflected a lot about the physical and emotional process of birth, both the scientific and the huge variety of personal stories women have experienced. Similarly, I've got a general idea of what needs to be done to take care of newborn both physically and emotionally. And yet of course, I fully recognize that with giving birth and caring for a newborn, there's only so much you can prepare ahead of time - the rest will be taken care of by instinct and by handling situations as they come up, because there's no way to prepare for every possible possibility....and of course in understanding that, the settled, calm and ready feelings are that much deeper. I've done what can be done and now it's time to let it be.

I had a similar experience as a student teacher on the brink of graduation, questioning whether I felt ready or not to teach my own class. I dug up my reflective journal this morning, and found that most of the sentiments I documented at that transitional moment in my life apply all over again.

"I've been really thinking about what it means to be ready to be a teacher in your own classroom. In so many ways I feel ready to go. I feel like I have a much better understanding of my philosophy of classroom management which was the last thing I was really worried about - not that I have everything polished with my classroom management but knowing my philosophy and what I feel good about helps! So in general, I feel good about the thought of having my own classroom. But then I'll start reading a book - about guided reading or classroom management - and feel like I knew nothing before I started reading that book and I was never really ready. So here's my conclusion - I'll never be 100% ready - there will never be a point when I know everything I will need to know to be a teacher. My cooperating teacher is still taking classes and improving her teaching. So that makes me feel pretty much ready again!

Then I was thinking about the students I will have and how lucky the students at the end of my career will be because I will know so much more about teaching by then and I worry about the first few groups I will have because they'll be struggling right along with me in the beginning. But actually, they'll be learning with me - and even though their experience will be very different than children later in my career, each experience will be good in a different way. These thoughts seem pretty obvious and in a way I've always had those thoughts, but I've become very conscious of them in the last weeks."

And so I feel about stepping into motherhood. Ready and unready all at once. But that's really what life is about then, isn't it? There's only so much you can do to prepare, and then the rest happens while living it.

After ten years of teaching, I still feel much the same way as I did on the day I wrote this journal entry. I am still absolutely learning as I go. Some days are brilliant, lessons are great and I can clearly see the progress I've made in my own teaching. Other days, it feels like I'm back at square one, could spend a hundred more years in studies and still not get it right. Like all learning in school and in life, it's a journey. One of the courses I am now taking has introduced the idea of a "fixed" mindset versus a "growth" mindset. As long as we recognize that it is all about growth (and the never actually getting there!) and are always challenging ourselves to take the next steps forward, we are moving in the right direction.

I appreciated re-reading my university supervisor's response to this particular journal entry: "In your comments about being 'ready' for teaching, and then feeling unsure, I sensed some nerves about how your life is soon going to change, along with some well-deserved confidence about your successes thus far. I agree with you; you're never fully ready, and -- if you can remember that -- in a strange way you're always ready. I'm not sure where you're going to end up as a teacher. But as your own confidence rises and dips, you might as well hear some praise: You think like a seasoned educator. Your insights about teaching and your healthy connection to your inner self are quite remarkable. They are also assets that will make your teaching immeasurably valuable to the lives of young children - whoever they end up being.

Over the course of the semester, I have been greatly impressed with your talent and commitment to teaching. Perhaps most of all, however, I have been impressed by your demonstrated convictions. You believe in the children you teach. You believe that they have something to teach you. I know I send a lot of praise your way, but I hope you don't get too used to it. It's not for you. It's for the children you will teach. Teaching is hard work, and those kids need someone like you in their corner. So remember all this praise you received and deserved, and climb over whatever obstacles you will face."

I hope the same will translate from teaching into parenting. As I make this transition into parenting, I know it will be hard and heart-breaking and ultimately the most rewarding work I will ever do. I'm looking forward to growing in parenting much as I have and will continue to do in teaching. Much as I was excited to find out who my first "clients" in teaching would be, I can't wait to meet this little boy who has signed up for the journey of a lifetime with us. We will never be 100% ready, we will never be perfect or "finished" with our learning and growing together. And that's exactly as it should be.

Ready or not.... :)