Dreams and "Difficultness"

I can't remember now if I've written about it on the blog before, but in the last years I've realized that my dreams serve a definite purpose quite often in that they allow me to experience things that I feel are missing in "real" life. Often this has included me being on the beach and truly experiencing a few hours of real sunlight in the dead of winter or spending quality time with people I am missing. I can still vividly remember a dream in which I sat and ate a pint of Ben and Jerry's and could distinctly taste every lovely bite of it. I wake up in the mornings feeling satisfied after such dreams.

In the past few weeks, I've had nearly nightly dreams about our baby being here. The first ones had some elements of anxiety to them - for nights in a row I dreamt that all of a sudden I looked down, wasn't pregnant anymore (clearly had somehow given birth but hadn't actually been present for it) and realized I had a baby to feed and care for. Now that I seem to have gotten that out of my system, the anxiety element (for now) is gone. Or it appears in silly ways - the other night I dreamt that his head came out deformed after the birth as sometimes happens but it was shaped like a butternut squash (which has definitely been a favorite food in the last months and that day I had happened to find a butternut squash in an eco store which I was so excitedly planning to eat the next day), but in the dream we were just looking back on the pictures of the butternut head because he was already a bit bigger with a nice round head and I was snuggling him and all was good.

The dreams have now clearly taken on the purpose of just giving me that which my mind seems to need, but can't have yet. Nearly nightly, I dream of this little guy being here with us, we are snuggling him, talking to him, taking care of him and generally being good parents. It is lovely to be able to feel it, experience it and prepare for it. This is the good motivation that will help me do what needs to be done in order for him to be born in a few short weeks - in contrast to what we could call the rising "difficultness" which will also serve it's role in motivating.

Pregnancy in Latvian is called grutnieciba, literally translated as "difficultness". At my last visit with the midwife, she warned me that these are the weeks that they talk about when they mean "difficultness" (though I could also argue that the first weeks of feeling hungover 24 hours a day and not being able to each much of anything because every last smell was huge and disgusting were no walk in the park). In any case, I appreciate her way of thinking - this is how nature helps to prepare us for giving birth. Pregnancy will get increasingly more uncomfortable and difficult with everyday to give me true motivation in order for the baby to be born. So now, when I wake up with my hands swollen and barely able to move my fingers, or am dealing with heartburn and ridiculously frequent bathroom visits at night, or just have to move at turtle-speed slowly but surely to get anything done so I don't topple over, I smile, thank nature for doing its bit to help get me ready, and file the moment away in my memory (or ask KB to remind me when I'll need it) to use as motivation when the time comes.

And the dreams...I appreciate those even more because they are a friendly kind of motivation. Every night he looks a little bit different - last night he had a very thick black head of hair, sometimes he is a bald Buddha baby, always with very wise and sweet button eyes looking out to take in the world. It will be interesting to see which of those babies is actually ours. Hopefully not the butternut squash.... ;)